I want nothing save to want something. I have no motivation, no inspiration, no desire. The only real emotion I feel is for Stormy. I go through the motions of happiness, sadness and anger just to mask the emptiness from myself.
I try to push myself to do things so that maybe the ball can start rolling and I can want to be doing things. Actually, I do want to do things in a general sense, but there's no individual thing that I want to do. Even drawing is just something I do because it's a thing I can actually kinda do. I know I should try to practice to get better so I can be good enough to have some pride in my work, but I don't have anything I want to draw for myself, and when I ask others I typically don't get enough to work with or I just don't give a shit about it anyway.
I love Stormy and I'm constantly grateful for everything she does for me. Sitting around all day waiting to cuddle her and listen to her talk about her day just isn't enough. I just really don't care about anything else I can think of to do, so I procrastinate all day and find dull, effortless things to do to breed more self-contempt.
Every other interaction I have with anybody leaves me desperate to push myself away. Sometimes it's because I can't stand the way someone has acted, but mostly it's because I don't want anyone else to have to put up with my bullshit. I don't want Stormy to either, but she's made it absolutely clear that she's going to whether I like it or not.
I don't know why I'm saying this here. I know hardly anyone will ever read it. It just needs to be said somewhere public and where I'm not anonymous, and fuck Facebook. And I suppose it's about art because that's the only thing I come close to caring about other than Stormy. This isn't a suicide note, a cry for help or anything but an explanation in case someone curious looks me up sometime trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me and why they don't hear from me any more.
And hey, I guess I must be feeling some genuine emotion now, because I'm in tears.
EDIT: Okay, wow. This sums up my life pretty well: [link]